Mind Your Language

 In a country with 28 States, 7 Union Territories, 216 languages and some thousand dialects, one can’t really blame anyone for looking but not seeing, hearing but not listening and talking but not saying. The problem is that in India we think in Hindi, talk in English, curse in Punjabi, sing in Bhojpuri, write in Malayalam & Tamil and translate everything into Hindustani

The other day my wife and I were visiting our neighbour, when in the course of our conversation the Dhobi rang the doorbell. The lady of the house opened the door and without batting an eyelid said “Tum andar jana, main kapde utarti hu!” (Go inside, I’ll remove clothes)

With my vivid seaman’s imagine I couldn’t help but think that the lady was expressing her desire to make it out with the Dhobi.  “What would be her husband’s stand on this position?” I thought to myself.   Thinking about ‘stand’ and ‘position’ my rather juvenile mind raced back to our NDA days, where every wooden piece of furniture had a ‘stand’ in an erotic ‘position’.  I often wondered, had someone even thought of auctioning these carvings and caricatures, it would send Stothby’s of London in rapture.  

A stern look from my wife brought me back to reality. What the lady had actually meant was “Go into the room, I’ll take the clothes off the washing line and hand them over to you.”  Later when my wife gave me this explanation I was sanguine and immediately heaved a sigh of relief.

A few years ago, a cat had attacked a Benguella Kite (large bird) and I rushed to rescue it from certain death. I handed over my cell phone to two school children standing nearby and instructed them to contact the Vetnary for help. The conversation went as follows “Eagle ko Cat ne mara hai. Eagle ke wing me hurt ho gaya hai. Eagle fly nahi kar sakta hai. Please jaldi aao!”

Now virtual vasectomy of the Indian language is not just performed by Army and Naval Public School children. Check this out this linguistic jousting of my Second Mate on board.

Myself, Adikrao Tukaram Gaikwad, reporting as 2^nd Officer on board sir.

(My name is Adikrao Tukaram Gaikwad and I am reporting for duty as 2^nd officer.)

I ae-gree that I hau nevher sade phaeew thirr-ty in my life

(I agree that I have never said five thirty in my life)

Remove my photograph

(Take my photograph)

Put the fan

(Switch on the fan)

Most of us have studied from the famous radiant reader series in school. There was one particular lesson about the Battle of Trafalgar, which Nelson’s Fleet had won. However, Nelson himself was felled by a sniper shot from the French battleship and while he lay dying in the arms of his Flag Lieutenant, is reported to have blurted out his last famous words “Kiss me, Hardy.” Apart from the shock and awe felt by his Flag Lieutenant, he probably would have got a slap from the dying Nelson if he had dared to kiss the Fleet Commander in open audience. I wasn’t quite satisfied with the alleged promiscuous behavior of Lord Nelson, so I approached my English Teacher in St Vincent’s school, Pune for an explanation.

“Nonsense” said Fr. Oesch, “It’s all about the infamous British sense of humour”. Fr. Oesch was German by origin and had read about the Naval campaigns of Nelson on the river Nile. “In all probability Nelson had said ‘Kismat, Hardy’ (Fate, Hardy), which he had picked up during his short liberty ashore.”

There are many ‘immortal last words’ spoken by famous people. However, In his columns, Ruskin Bond brought it out very nicely ‘Perhaps King George summed it up best with his last immortal dying words ‘God damn you’ One wonders whether he was cursing his creator or abusing his night maid – the lack of a comma after the word God would have made it clear’